Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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