Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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