What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
