i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
