Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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