WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
