If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Barsexuality is the new black.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
