thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
