My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
