Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're like the curious george of whores
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
