Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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