God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
