party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
