hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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