I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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