bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
