I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
