i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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