Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
