life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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