my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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