I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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