i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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