Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
