Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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