Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
