shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
