it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
