I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize