my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
