We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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