# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
