i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
