Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
