So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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