She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
