I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize