he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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