I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
