Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize