So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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