I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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