I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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