I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
