I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
