your parents love me but you hate me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
