i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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