i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
