Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
pray to the hookup gods
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
