sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize