anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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