If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
