She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
