I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
