i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
