How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
