she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
