where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He has the fingertips of a God
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