i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
